What are we chasing now?

The hardest part is probably to stop chasing for worldly goods in life. Probably we can never will. After we earn a decent living, we want more. We want more money coming in. We want a bigger roof above our head. We want to better car to move us around. After that, we want something else, and something else. On the emotional side, we want to get married. It feels incomplete living life alone. Once we have a spouse to share our life with, we want to have our own babies. It doesn’t feel complete without children around. Then, it doesn’t feel complete before we manage to raise them up properly. Even after the kids have grown up, we still want something else. Constantly, deep down, we want to feel loved and appreciated. We want people to understand us and accommodate us. We want to breathe love and compassion every day of our life until we die in a comfort of luxuries this life can offer. Human.. we have big dreams and never ending desire.

How good it can be if that desire is channeled to a permanent life. We all know this world is temporary. Yet, we keep wanting all the things this life has to offer, one after another. Why don’t we chase for Jannah, a permanent destiny we all should be aiming for. How much time do we spend every day chasing for it…? How much effort has we made trying to please our Creator? Why are we not focusing on our permanent destination… why are we so engrossed picking all the pretty flowers we see along the way? Human.. we are easily distracted.

We really need to keep reminding ourselves to keep focusing on our permanent destination. Let’s chase for what is really worth chasing..

Recession Again?

It feels like 2008 recession just left us but business is bad again at where I work.. The next quarter forecast is also bad.This is predicted to be long one.

The thing is, we are usually the first to get hit when economy turns gloomy. It’s just a matter of where we are in the economy chain.

How’s the world economy doing? The news aren’t pretty..

Oh, maybe I will get the much dreamed VSS afterall..

Matter of Heart

Heart is a complex thing. It sure is. Against all odds, people close both eyes, bulldoze through and get married to their choice of life partner. Against all the concerns and worries from all the people they know, they choose to ignore them and determine their destiny. We all do. We are them.

Why? It’s the choice we make. It’s our live we are deciding on. Who’s better off making that important decision than us? We rationalize and get our decision justified.

It’s getting more and more obvious to me that we usually decide based on our situation at that moment. The choice that we have at that moment, the circumstance that presses us at that time and the state of emotion enveloping us at that time. Of course, marriage is supposed to be a lifetime thing, something very worth thinking over and over, a huge commitment to get involve in. It’s such an important decision that we better off take our time to look at our choice carefully before we close our eyes and just marry that person. But, how often can we be rational? How often can we remain calm and collected? How often can we ignore the biological clock? How often can we put up a brave front? How often can we ignore the loneliness? How often can we ignore the love? Sometimes, it takes a few of these to strike at the same time and we just decide, ok, I’m marrying him. Fullstop. I’ll deal with the problems later on. We always cross the bridge when we come to it. The same rules apply here, too. Is it wrong?

It takes a lot of courage to marry someone whom you yourself know will deal you with some problems sooner or later. You know this is coming, and that too. And it’s ok, because since we know this is coming, we come out with countermeasures. And for that one, we devise an action, too. We can take care of these problems, as we know they are coming. Those people who dish out so many advice do not know our situation well enough, let alone experience our deepest feelings. They never walk our life. They won’t understand. Yes, they are concerned about us, they worry for us but at this time, we don’t want to hear about their worries, nor their concerns. We have decided and we just don’t want to listen to all those worries. We’ll deal with whatever issues later. Besides, we have the action plan drawn up already. We know what we are getting ourselves into. We are well aware, so please do us a favour, stop worrying.. and stop asking.. Don’t judge. In fact, we are tempted to put them down. Maybe we did. Yes, things we do for love, or for whatever reason it is.

So, what happens next? What we expect doesn’t turn out as planned? Well, if 20.5/ 21 people have similar concern, there probably should have some truths in it. So, yes, there are many detours. There are many failed plans. At one point, we begin to feel, ” If I had…., life would not be so hard now”. At times, we feel things were going much better before we get ourselves into this marriage. The last thing we want to do is to turn to well meaning family and friends who had advised us against the marriage. Worst still if they start using these lines like, “I’ve told you so..”, or “Well, I’m not surprised..”, or… “You know this is coming, right?”. So, we refuse to share many things with them. We hate boomerangs, and who doesn’t? So, somehow, we battle through. To those non judgemental ones, we quietly opened up, “I won’t advise other people to do what I did…”. Regardless, we try hard to make the marriage works. Sacrifice becomes our routine. It is our very own choice in the first place. Are we happy? Well, some people manage to look at the positive side of the gloomy weather. Indeed, sometimes, we have no other choice but to train ourselves to look at the bright side. That’s how we cruise life. That’s how we make ourselves happy and contented. No?

Well meaning friends and family. Yes, there are too many odds that you would feel guilty not sharing your mind. Just don’t be dishearted when your advice goes down the drain. People just like to follow their heart. They indeed know what they are getting themselves into. Maybe, not as much as what they like to think they do or you do. But, they do know, to a certain extent. The best way people learn is from own experience. No matter how much you want to make them avoid the bitter experience you foresee happening, people just like to learn from their own experience. Sometimes, there’s no other way. Get hurt then we get the lesson.

It’s complicated how human acts really. But again, heart is a complex thing.

Paint.ed 2

Something popped up yesterday that I ended the earlier post rather abruptly. I might as well pour everything out just so I can read back my ramblings one day and laugh at how blurr I used to be. Heheh.

Well, for a change, I now feel the car looks nice. Not just, erm, OK…; that kind of nice. I can look at her this morning and feel, hey it does look nice… and a good feeling creeps in.. and I was smiling, and… that’s important. I don’t want to keep thinking I’ll be way happier bringing back new clothes home. I should feel happy bringing back my car home, too. Especially when it costs me a bomb, where that can indeed get me multifolds of clothes home.. Yeah, I do love my car look now.  Not so love like want to go hug it but I now can look at it with good feelings.

The workshop guy came and picked my car up at the office yesterday to re-fix the door handle. I can go to the workshop but I hate waiting for work to get done, unless the workshop is inside the shopping malls, that of course would be a different story altogether. Whatever you do to the car, as long as I get the result, I don’t want to care. I received my car spanking clean that evening. Yes, he also sent my car for a wash. He did mention earlier for me to send my car for cleaning, the inside was indeed dirty, err, not that I maintain it spotless all this while anyway. I asked, why don’t you get it cleaned? I don’t have time, was his answer.  Well, I couldn’t wait for another day just for him to clean my car, so I didn’t argue. I guess that’s part of service or he felt bad for not fixing the door handle properly. Whatever. I think I’m a person who value little things.

So, yup, happy to get my car back, my own  transportation back. Happy as I am not dependant on people anymore. If I didn’t paint my car then, I wouldn’t have time to paint it later. The long leave  from work surely has helped to lessen the troubles of not having my own transport. Yeah, it’s a good decision. And yay.. I don’t have to feel shy with my car anymore! Oh dear,  why are we humans like that? Why must cars reflect us? Most importantly, why do we let it affect us? It’s just a thing that moves.

Paint.ed

I got my car back yesterday, after 9 16days being separated for her dear make over. The car looks err, nice. Well, maybe shiny, too. Seriously, I can’t really describe how the car looks. At one point, I felt it doesn’t change much, but that could be because I don’t exactly remember how bad the peeling paint was earlier. I went through one quick walk around the car, erm, ok. I think it’s more like a customary round, to show that, hey, I’m really particular, see, I’m checking my car and inspecting your paint work ok. I am more interested in getting further discount, $50 will do. But, I failed. And I was upset. Especially when I realized I’m handing over a big sum of real notes to the guy. Maybe if I can swipe, I won’t feel so upset. I began to think if I’m being conned. I began to realize the interior now doesn’t match the exterior. I began to wonder the real reason why I decided to let my car have this make over in the first place. I began to think maybe I should also make over the interior. But what about the dashboard and the side panels at the doors, or whatever they call it? I couldn’t actually change them, or can I? It’s a huge money just for a coat of paint. Shouldn’t I just get myself a new car? But should I get myself a new car now that I’ve painted the old one? Why should I paint it if I want to get a new car in the first place? I realize I drove my car rather carefully yesterday. The left side mirror was not adjusted properly. But, maybe even that, I would still be driving more carefully than usual. I reached home, adjusted the mirror and took a brief glance at the car front again while unlocking the house door. Why it doesn’t look so new? Went in the house and life goes on. Actually, no, I still remember the cash I ’lost’ for something that doesn’t get me excited. Ok, life still goes on anyway.. Hmm..

Time waits for no man

Having no car is a pain. I need to get somebody to pick me up to work and I need a lift home as well. Asking for help is really not something I like doing. Plus I am rather choosy who I get help from. I just don’t want to be in a difficult situation later, where I have to do things I don’t like doing because of that help people tender. But, I guess, in life, these things happen. Some people know they can take advantage from the help they provide, and they amazingly did. Anyway, my chronological tardiness when I’m car-less:

1. I arrived at work extremely late. I was like, pls don’t bump into my boss.. pls don’t bump into my boss.. pls don’t bump into my boss.. all the way until I reached my office. Alhamdulillah, I didn’t. Ok, my boss is super disciplined. Early is his mid name, and he expects the same from his people. In the office, I felt my staffs exchanging looks while whispering among themselves, “See.. the boss herself is late”. Why not, I just talked about their tardiness to some of them. And the problematic guy has indeed improved stunningly and there, I walked into the office like I own this factory. Boy! It was a stress to begin the day that way. The problem is I can’t actually tell the person who picked me up that she’s causing me unnecessary pressure for choosing to come to work so late.

2. I then get somebody else to pick me up. I arrived at work super early. In fact I was still dressing up when he came, earlier than our agreed time. And oh, I lied a bit. I told him that I was actually ready, just watching tv upstairs as I don’t have tv downstairs. Which leads to this; he offered his tv in the store room! Ok, I better remind him of the tv when I see him again.

3. That somebody went on long leave. Another friend picks me up this morning. Not so early and not so late. The best part is our pre- pick up sms.

Me: Hi, are you working tomorrow?
D : Yes, anything?
Me: Do you mind giving me a lift tomorrow morning?
D : Can, what’s your add?
Me: xxxxx. Take the junction, go straight till bla bla.. then, bla bla then, you call me lah, easy.
D: Ok, I use my gps!

Hahahha. Ok lah. I’m so outdated.

A cloud hanging over..

Somebody wrote, “I think she’s wasted just handling the current portfolio”. It was hilarious ok. I just had to laugh. I’m wasted? Let me see the mail again. Gosh, it was soo funny it tickled me so much I had to laugh again. So, somebody thinks I’m wasted and wants me to handle more portfolios. So that, he can get somebody else to handle more than what that somebody already handles. It’s like building the lego, those loose blocks need to be adjoined and you quickly find the base to be tote up. There must not be any loose blocks, that’s the bottom line. Who cares about the wellbeing of the base. If it’s too heavy, it will collapse but it may not even collapse, so add on first.

It was hilarious, because, ok, I do find his points rather relevant. Of course, I don’t think I’m wasted. That’s a very sharp word to use! How could he? Some people are just luckier than the other. Face it, dude. Heheh. I just agree that yes, I’m having a good time on this island. Is it my fault? Again, of course, no! I’m just being lucky, that’s all. Anyway, with that forewarning, I know this is coming. Oh no, I shouldn’t be laughing. This is coming my way. I’m going back to the jungle. That’s scary ok. There’s nothing funny there. Ok, it still tickles me anyway.

Then, my boss came. Giving a kind of prelude. He’s so going there, I know. And yes, he did alright. In the midst of listening to him, my imagination intervenes. I’ll get that job from the recent interview and I’ll say yes to him and tender my resignation very soon after. How smart. “Shouldn’t be a problem I guess.”, and that came out from my mouth! Oh dear, slap me. The boss may think, oh, she’s so easy to maneuver, just sweet talk her and she’ll say yes.

Options? Ok, I’ll avoid him. I need to give a firm answer later and I must avoid him. I don’t want to go back to the dark scary jungle. I simply blurted out the other day, it was my imagination talking, really not me.

Then, something else popped. The boss called me and asked if I’m keen to lead one project. You are giving me this and that without any reward, how could I be keen? And how could I say not keen to you? I shilly shally on the phone and he asked again, my keenness. I have to say, well, I’m ok with it la. Come on, you know I’m not keen. Do I sound any keener to you? I guess it doesn’t matter to you anyway.

Now, which one is better? A project which the top gun is eyeing, because he has to, it directly affects his reputation in the eyes of his employer. Or get lost in the jungle, fighting the evil dinasours until exhaustion but nobody really bothers anyway. On the surface, that project promises better prospect. Of course, since a 3rd party will actually determine the project succeeds or fails, it is more challenging indeed. It is not easy, but, I guess the intricate challenge it holds still surpasses the taxing task in the jungle. I have an option now. I’ll choose the project over the jungle. If you want be to be effective, let me just handle the project. I can’t focus when there’s too many. Remember you say, you want be to be efficient, you really don’t want to burden me? Forget what I accidentally uttered that day. It was a mistake. Now that you ask me to handle this project, I am choosing to focus on one and make it successful. (What if it fails?). Why so negative. Think positive. I can do it. As long as you stop trying to put me back to the jungle, I’ll lead the project. Just leave me on this island. Don’t disturb please. Peace no war ok.

Interview

Pre-interview

An unexpected call on Thursday. Maybe I’m fated to work there. I think this is the 3rd time I’m being matched with this company, for the exact same position, or almost. (The position is not very clearly mentioned this time). Once, I dared to make a last minute cancellation to the interview there because, well, I think, my mind is constantly changing. Last minute, it tells me that going all the way to attend that interview is troublesome. Yeah, I do need to fix myself. This time, I am rather happy with the match. So much of a coincidence. Maybe it really is my destiny. But suddenly, it strikes me. What about my plan for VSS? I stop being excited. However, something happens at work that very day so coincidentally, again, that I decide no harm trying. Besides, I don’t have to go all the way to attend the interview. It’s just a 10 minutes drive away, at worst.

That morning, I start to feel lazy. I really want to sleep. I need a longer sleep. This is my weekend. But, I wake up nonetheless. Think reputation, ok. I manage to do my laundry before going out. Now, that’s a big achievement. Top my to-do-list every weekend. The one thing I must do to feel good on Saturday mornings. Every Saturday indeed. I drive to work, because I need to get my resume from the office PC. Quickly update my new phone extension and remove the expected salary. Print two copies. Done. Now, I’m running late. In my blurriness, I find myself taking a different route to the interview, reaching the place 3 minutes late. Take the escalator twice as I can’t remember which floor it is. Reach the place and the counter girl is cold. One thing I realize, and sorry to say this, sometimes clerks act bossy than the boss himself, similar to how nurses behave in comparison to doctors. I am asked to fill up the application form and several other documents which I don’t bring with me and have no intentions to submit either. All I’m giving is my resume.

Interview

The guy is serious and unfriendly. I, on the other hand, find myself in my happy and casual mood. Let’s see if I can change him. Heheh. He doesn’t ask me the technical details which makes me wonder. The job on offer supposedly mentions an expert. I suspect he is not the manager I am going to report to. He doesn’t appear like one either and his questions are very basic, I don’t indeed expect that coming. Overall, I have a good chat. I think he may enjoy the session, too, as we talk for almost an hour. I only realize this when I look at my watch on my way back. I think he also realizes he’s taking too long after HR comes to pass a message to him. I am sure this is only a screening session. They are taking the opportunity to interview me here as they are coming for walk in interview here. Waste my time? Well, I like the experience, despite me having no time to go through what I write in my own dated resume. With my lack of preparation, I would not pass the interview if the manager in charge interviews me. So, yeah, it’s a good chat I would say. And oh.. the guy is not even coming from the same process of which the vacancy is available, which explains why he doesn’t post any related technical queries at all. Towards the end, he says he’ll match me with the right post. What I think he really means is he’ll do the recommendations. The friendly and nice HR contact greets me after my interview is over, saying that she’ll keep in touch with the recruitment agency for the outcome. I like her. Nice and friendly. I think we can be friends. A short chat and I leave to something I must not fail attending to. There, I receive an sms from the agency; “How’s the interview?”. “Ok I guess.. They’ll contact you if I’m selected J”. Great, somebody is following up for me while I can continue wasting money at super grand sales.

Post interview
I really need to sort myself out. Apparently, the interviewer thinks I’m underpaid. And yet, what am I doing about it? Thinking when to go to Guardian to finish off my remaining vouchers.

Anniversary

It occurs to me that May is my working anniversary month. That’s when I officially entered the workforce, mid May 1997. And I literally counted. Gosh, I’ve been working for 14 long years! That’s a very extended time to have worked! What have I achieved? Well, I guess I am not doing very bad. I can say I’m doing rather good. We measure ourselves against our own yardstick anyway. There’ll be people who raise above us, there’ll be people who we get to advance better than, there are also people who are more or less, in the same lane as us. Having been working in only 2 companies within that 14 years duration, with a very short stint at my first job, is probably the factor I don’t find myself on a meteoric rise. Let’s admit the obvious shift in the traditional rules. Rolling stones do gather more moss. 20-30% each time you jump, that certainly would lead you somewhere. I do sometimes look back and felt I could have done better. But, I don’t regret either. Money is not the only thing one pursues. As we get older, we seek for a quality, balanced life, more to feed our soul and emotional needs rather than thinking how much money can our job brings in.

I am slow in picking up the political games people play at work. I had a nice, very knowledgeable boss. He even volunteered to do presentations on my behalf so that I can focus on other tasks. Little did I know that he was taking credits for my work! He climbed the ladder, taking a big portion of the cake while leaving us, his innocent subordinates behind. Of course, one can only remain naïve for so long. These are the things we all learn from experience. We live and we learn. It is ok. Get knocked early in life, and we learn faster. I missed my first bonus, because I joined 2 weeks before the cutoff date. Mere 2 weeks. And I missed my pay from the previous company as well because I didn’t give enough notice. So, yes, don’t do things half way. Just go all out.

The things we do after finally earning on our own buck is, of course, rewarding ourselves. I paid for a blouse I would think thrice If I were to pay now. I went to a ‘proper’ hair saloon right smack in the city, only to find I didn’t have enough cash to pay for the service. Hahhah. I can still recall how the lady reacted to that, must be more shocked than me perhaps. And how she can’t hide her relief, beaming ear to ear, when I DID return to pay her the balance. That was hilarious. I was fun those days.

Yes, those days when we were younger and fun. I used to have a group of colleagues around my age. That was the best of times. How we took turn to bring breakfast to work, snacks for tea break and how we communicated with each other through PC and giggled at our own jokes, all because our suspicious boss was around. How would he be not suspicious? The keyboards suddenly became hyperactive because we just can’t wait to type funny replies. We have peer torture, too. When one person returned to office after long holiday, we either messed up his desk terribly or pretended nothing happens when he came back, no greeting no nothing, until the poor guy just can’t stand any more and had to plead for some attention. We would all burst out laughing. Sometimes, I do wonder why my group of colleagues later are not as fun as them? Well, probably age, probably we are just having different characters. Life is full of ups and downs, so the cliché goes. But, that’s just true and evergreen. Sometimes, things happens in our favour, sometimes surroundings stress us up.

I now want to have a job where I am happy spending time doing it. A group of workmates who are happy and fun. They say, the road to the top is lonely. It is even lonely when you are at the top. There’s a price to everything. But, I do believe, if we are at the top, we have the influence to effect change. A bit at a time. Besides, who comes to work wanting to feel dull and boring? We all want to have good times. Being appreciated, feeling good, knowing that our contribution doesn’t go unnoticed. People of all walks of life share a common needs. The needs to feel belonging and appreciated.

Island updates

Today I meet my boss for, well, a meeting, of course. Finally, he remembers I exist. He prompts out that it has been 2 months but he hasn’t got time to touch base with me. 2 months, really? He asks how’s I’m doing and I answer, so far so good. So, you are enjoying yourself there? Opps, never say you are doing good. Answer diplomatically. Like, gosh, this is harder than I think! Err, that will make me fall down laughing. Maybe, I should say, I’ve been doing this doing that doing this and that… But, no, I will have to explain this and that and that would be real hard. Oh nevermind, I’ll spend some time devising a good answer later. If I continue to give this blunt answer, he may give me more islands to cover. That is still ok. What if he decides to put me back to the jungle? I’ll cry and start island hopping. Why don’t I island hop? Well, sometimes, the urge is just not there. Now that things are rosy, birds are chirping, cool breeze with that crystal clear water and white sandy beach, why should I? But, even when I was in that jungle, I didn’t decide to jungle hop either. Sometimes, we are just so lazy to start anew, even if starting anew means more $ in your pocket. Why am I not ambitious? When did I stop being career minded? I guess people change with time. What we want 10 years ago may not be what we want now. What we what now may not be the same 10 years from now.

Anyway, he’s still being nicey nicey to me. He has been letting me having my honeymoon on this island for 2 months, if I based on his calculation. I don’t think it is already 2 months. May be it is, I don’t know and it’s not important. I just wonder how long more will he let me honeymooning here. Sometimes, when things are too good to be true, you just wonder when this will end. Aah.. human being. Why can’t we just accept that good things can last forever?